Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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