His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
