Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
