Sacagawea was the original milf.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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