Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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