I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
