you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
