you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
