can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
