dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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