i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
