Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
