I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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