Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
