It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
