So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
