she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
