quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
