You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
