Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
