this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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