I'm drive I can fine osifer
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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