The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
