I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!