I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize