she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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