Me. At least after what I've been through.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
