Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
