I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
