If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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