hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
