Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
