i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
