I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Girls should come with a carfax report
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
