I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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