I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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