This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
