Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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