Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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