it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
