Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
