when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
