I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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