My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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