Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
