Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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