Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
