Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
