you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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