why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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