Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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