Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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