even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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