I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
