Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Brb crying the tears of my youth
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
you never un-have a 4some
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
