I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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