They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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