i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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