I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
