you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
